rock steady

Now i don't have to do stuff in usher anymore. gd and bad. but it's mostly gd i guess in a nutshell to put it. i haven't really put in my fair share of work into it. and ppl judge not by how u start, but by how u end. and i ended bad. right now i just feel terrible. i don't feel gd. feel like throwing my hands in the air, shrugged my shoulders and throw everything away. start to ask myself y am i doing all this for, wat am i doing all this for. is it worth it all in the end? is it even worth it now? everything's so much in a turmoil now. i just felt so cramped in my circumstances that i want to break free from it all. where's the escape route that was promised? i can't seem to find it... y can't i be like the rest? i'm just staring at the circumstances hard... it ain't moving. i feel so much abt the phone bill. it's something that has been on my mind the whole of last yr. is wat i'm doing now worth it? i hate the way i feel now. been torn in 2 places. torn between a new passion and duty. torn between the "have-to-dos" and the "want-to-dos". my Guide, is this the path that You want me to take? it's so rough... and i'm already falling down at the start of the yr. Usher Ministry needs my time. Cell Grp needs my time. Usher needs my effort. So does Cg. Both want the best out of me. But there can be only one. Esp on Sundays. can they see that? I've already made my choice. I've mixed it with the offering, the PRECIOUS, at the Jn Avanzini meeting. I've told God i wanted to be a cell grp leader. i've never even thought abt it the past 3 yrs in church. but now.. it's so different. I still rem the last time i've really mixed my heart's desire with my offering. ya, i went to OCS. of course, i strayed away and i messed up and banged myself up pretty badly. so i've seen the bad... how i want to be available every sunday over at cell grp, yet duty beckons. i heard that i've been indecisive regarding ministry. does it have something to do with this "unavailability"? my goodness, at times i asked myself, how to put myself 100% into ushering for the service...? when at the back of my mind... i'm supposed to account for the ppl who are sitting at the other end of the hall... things like who didn't come? how come u dunno? how am i to do all this..? when i'm sitting at the usher table from 10+ and ending ard 7+ at times, gotta meet up newcomers, irregulars, and stuff... i'm supposed to be "available" to do all this. how? how am i supposed to usher and do this at the same time.. where the people may not turned up, where the ppl are rushing into the hall? i can't be in 2 places at one time. 1 side has to suffer and whenever 1 side suffers, guess who's paying the price for it? me. usher or cg go wrong. i have to bear it. how much can i bear? i can bear it not much longer.... and my emotions are trying to run rounds ard me again. everyone's thinking of getting attached and stuff. at times can't help not feeling that way. but it's just not the time. i don't know when is the time too.. but i'm not ready...