rock steady

just feel like dropping everything right now. and i do mean right now. just got my phone bill. well, it costs a lot to be truthful. don't think i'll want to use it a lot the next few mths to come. i think one thing when i came back from brunei is that i don't really miss anyone. it's really been one heck of a trip. there's really nothing there. no internet to post yur blogs, write to friends and stuff. us singaporeans really communicate a lot electronically. BUT to the main pt.. i really don't miss anyone. and i mean everyone. on hindsight right now, i think my emotions got the better of me over in brunei and i am starting to regret certain things that i said. surprisingly, i enjoy being single. being single's pretty fun. no responsibilities, no burdens. it's just not the time. and even though got to know a few ppl recently, i haven't really met the one yet. i like everyone. there's a few ppl i like more than the others, but that's that. right now, i'm like up to my eyeballs with stress. and i don't like it very much right now. i'm giving myself a chance, giving someone else a chance too, but at times i feel like i'm being committed unwittingly into a relationship that i do not wish to step into right now. i think right now i know how cyn feels when i started treating her like my gf or something. cyn, if u ever read this. i know how u feel then, and i'm sorry. i pray that u forgive me for giving u such a hard time all those while. sorry. loneliness and physical attraction seem to have gotten the better of me this time. i find that i'm liking with my mind than with my heart. i'm weird. i can only like with my heart when i really know someone. i just can't take a lot of things. ppl trying to push into my life. i wonder how am i going to say things that wouldnt hurt ppl. i guess i don't want to give myself a chance at all. i'm really flattered to have the attention, but at times i just find it so overwhelming. that i don't want it. i want to get rid of it. maybe i'm happy alone. i'm being an only child for the past 22 years and i've been happy, coupled with unhappy events along the way. i want to take things slowly but i find things are just going too fast. way too fast for me to handle, let alone swallow. i don't want a relationship now. i just want friendships. i just want to be friends with the ppl ard me and that's all. i know ppl'll be reading this. it's just going too fast for me. and i can't really cope. i came back today, and i look at the pics of the ppl and i frankly don't miss anyone. i'm just glad to be back in singapore and that's it. from the bottom of my heart. i nvr thot i'll get any attention but now i'm getting it. and it's such a bittersweet thing. at times i feel like i'm compelled and forced. wish i can reverse everything. turn back the clock. but i can't . and i've to live with the decisions that i make. i am a servant of the choices i make. ray says that the transition from a friendship to the next level (relationship) should be a enjoyable one, but i'm not finding it to be so, at times i kinda dread it. it just shows that the friendship level is so lacking in the first place. ppl are going to get hurt if this continues. and hurt real badly. i realise that it's not my time to have a gf. but it's time to make more friends. there's just so much more things on my mind right now.