rock steady

always heard of the phrase "riding into the sunset"? Applicable to cowboys, ppl who go out on a high, and ppl who are retiring.. it's been such a long time since i got back to writing. so much have happened, things that are beyonds words, beyond actions, things that are so unspeakable, that if i will to narrate to anyone, i will probably die of shame. actions that so un-Bin, a new character that's so not Bin to everyone and anyone who knows me. or have i always had that latent evil malicious and bad side to me that no one has seen since i first stepped into church 5 long years ago? maybe so. y did it choose to rear its evil head once again, like a venomous serpent bent on destroying everything in its path? including even itself. how wretched have the past 6 mths been.. not just for me, but for the ppl ard me. esp a certain someone close to my heart. i've shut myself in and shut out everybody else. ashamed and afraid. i've even stopped writing, which says a lot as my creativity simply shuts down. how many times have i cried in the last 6 mths? so many more times. more than the times which i cried when i was in the army and i tore my ligament. which was just once. and it was just a few tears upon the realisation of a broken dream that cannot be ever patched back together. i always prided myself that the moment that i want to leave church, and even have the notion of it. that's it. finito. backsliding. drifting apart. any how many times have that notion came in? so many.. that it will fill a whole mth's calendar. so messed up.. and still having to find the energy to face my colleagues at work. no work = no money. how many of my friends can identify? materially superior. parents with appropriate savings. enough pocket money. nvr having to worry abt the household. paying bills? that's left to their parents. sometimes i envy them. that's y i work so hard these days. ppl wonder if i stay overnight in the office. i can't. they'll evict me.. lol. ushering has lost so much meaning to me. i haven't really contributed positively to the impression that i'm giving ppl. is it a lack of leaders that i'm there? or what is it? at times i just want to be a normal usher again. i dont need the pressure, definitely not now. ppl hounding me all the time, that the sporadic asking of my life seems faint, even fake. i'm just a number in an excel spreadsheet. how much relationship is there? i cant comment cos i nvr really did try with this current folks. i'm an outsider. i really appreciate lawerence, and alex yiu, ppl who still see something in me, appreciates me and hope that i'll be who i was in the past. ppl who believes in giving a second chance to a washed-out and weary usher. no everyone gives a second chance. i'm becoming increasingly cynical, skeptical and paranoid abt ppl. anyone and everyone. what is their motive for befriending me? is it merely for friendship? or am i an investment, a thing to be used in the right time for them? a tool, a pawn? i am a human being, not an investment, a bond nor a stock. i'm just rambling and rambling.