rock steady

To the few souls out there that actually WILL read this, I'm back to writing. I don't know how long it's going to be continued or will I just end it right after I finish this page. Enough of all the uppercases, and let's just type as typing should be. been looking out for a job after a mth or so slacking at home, playing computer games and getting fragged left, right and centre and vice versa. hopes of making it to a uni have been dashed, pretty much the continuation of a very big dream gone horribly wrong since the end of 2002 where everything that can go wrong went wrong. So it's been a nightmare that has lasted 3 years. i don't know when i'm going to wake up and just scream and be relieved it's finally over. hopefully it doesn't have to last a year. SIM isn't definitely where i wish to go, yet looking at the current situation, it's the only place where i can go. and i don't have enough money, unlike most of my frens with working parents and a gd bank a/c, to go in. i need to work so that i can have money to pay off the fees and not get sucked into a bank loan that i have to pay upon graduation, during the years in uni, and after which i'm met with more loans and debts. i don't want to be in debt. i think it sucks. sales don't really appeal to me. i'm not someone who's really sunshine powered. able to cut through the darkest clouds with a smile on my face. most likely i'll be grouchy and cut the air with a curt statement. still so much to change. and there's so much of me that needs to be changed yet is so unwilling to give up. contracdiction probably has my mug right beside it. saw a lot of admin opportunities in the papers and prob the internet. i can't reallly take it as a perm job. there isn't any career advancements in being a paper pusher is there? Chief Clerk? it doesn't work out right and i don't want to end up down that path. but there isn't much i can do.. i'm afraid. my education has ensured that i'm not qualified for techinical jobs as i'm not trained or skilled in that area. it's business that i'm trained in, i guess. that means sales, administration stuff (clerk). nothing wrong with being a clerk, just that u can only do it on a temporary basis for like 9 mths instead of your whole life. this means that i'm on the lookout for something that's me. which i want to do and it'll make work seem light cos it's fun. i enjoy the stint at starhub despite the work that was threatening all the time to swallow me up. the freedom to eat when and as i like, the people there (some are really pretty cute and nice), my bosses who are always so accomodating despite that i screwed up several times, the ability to do overtime bcos of the workload which results in a gd salary at the end of the mth. it's hard to find this kind of stuff anymore. like how i spoke to one of my frens, its like jumping out from a 5m platform. the inital leap takes faith, a great deal of it. and which she confirmed by saying the same thing. i'm just scared. scared of ending up in a dead end job. yet worried abt finances and the family's as well. i'm just so poor that i haven't even bought Da her present yet. I know she wouldn't really say much, but it just reflects so poorly on me. Don't wish to let her know that i'm short of cash. that's pretty much me. at times spinning lies to get out of stuff. cooking up stories to ease through. the ugly side of me. the side that i hate and despise. the side that ppl don't wish to associate with. the side that most ppl have seen in the last 3 nightmarish years at different times. it just hurts to tell the truth. it hurts the speaker the most. truth hurts. sometimes it's just so hard. at times, i just feel that i've turned into someone that i really don't wish to be. a fibber. lier. story teller. there's so many things that i want to do. guess i'll have to start one at a time. ever since coming back from taiwan in '04, things have been different and i've really struggled. i'm just happy that i'm still able to bring a smile to ppl at times, a pat on their backs (if ever) and a physical presence. (will be better if it wasn't all physical) the pump attendant job that i saw in yesterday's classifieds is gone. it was so near my home. i'll have to wait for tomorrow's ads. and wake up earlier so i can call them and tell them that i need the job. don't think i wish to tell anyone abt it. i'll just go and work. maybe share a little during cg and with paige. yup. once i get some cash, i'll get Da the present i promised her. that's the bad thing with me and i'll sum it up in one line: long on delivery, short on promises. something which i caught one day in church, and i've been trying to work on this extremely critical flaw that i have. david hackworth died in may. i only knew it now after i thought of westmoreland who died this mth. great man, great soldier and great leader. reading his book while being consigned to clerk duty afte the accident make me stir and want to be a soldier again after the dreams i had as a kid. but not in this land. this is a lane for the careerist soldier. for the scholars who can bring out their tactics best on a sand model. these are the people who make the stars in the service. the rest will forever be ground thumpers. hanging in the air. some scholars are great people and make good company. the rest just can't really make it. i'll be happy if i was half the man David H. Hackworth was. Time to get the hair cut i need. Bye.