Tuesday, January 23, 2007
I Am The Highway
It's actually been ages since I've actually logged into here to "pen" down my thoughts onto something "concrete". 23 days into 2007 and the tumultuous year of 2006 has walked into the annals of history but its demons, memories and images have transcended into the new year and threaten to swallow me alive.
First time that I've actually wrote with the proper capitalization and paragraphing. Maybe I'm thinking that someone will actually read this. Perhaps that person will be me. But I've hardly looked back at what I wrote in the past. One time I took an advice from a certain individual to wipe away certain articles that I wrote about one person and the swirling emotions that I experienced throughout it all. That's the last time that I'll take that kind of advice. What I write is mine and if certain people don't like it, that's too bad. And I don't write scandalous stuff for people to have a field day gagging over.
Presently, very single, very undesparate, and not very available. I don't know when I'll recover from the fallout effect of last year's broken relationship. It certainly shattered all the self perceptions of me as a great person and whatever hang-ups I have about being a real good person? That went out of the window straight from the first quarrel. I'm nothing short of a real violent brute who wouldn't hesitate to resort to drastic and dramatic means to provide an end to something, irregardless of the consequences. And that scares me, that somehow I'll really allow the rage to take over all sense of rationality that I might possess at that moment. Not really safe to have someone close to hang around huh? I'm afraid that's so.
Any interest in anyone? Perhaps. But the odds don't look good in my favor, and I'm not betting on myself in any case. A lot of wishful thinking and hoping, but I'm not pulling any moves. Somehow after another of my self-destructive behaviour, the friendship looks threatened and is actually crumbling as we speak. The rare occasion that we somehow went to a movie together was awkward for both and I'm sure it was rather uncomfortable. It'll be great if my birthday is remembered, but being unoptimistic right now, I'm not too sure about that. Am I asking for too much? Just remember my birthday? Perhaps remembering could always prove to be a painful affair for some.
I've stopped going to church. From a place, where it was my compass, it has slowly degenerated into a position of time filler on Sunday. 7 years down the road, and it was routine after routine, scoldings in between. 7 yrs doing the same thing week in week out, I've no idea how others can do it, but I sure can't. Things lose their meaning and I've struggle to understand the people around me and their ideology much as people struggle to make sense of me. On the brightest note in this post, I do hope to find meaning in it all again. The place itself holds many wonderful memories for me that I cannot find elsewhere. Leaving in an abrupt manner does not make me happier or anything. I simple wish to make sense of it all and that's something that's very important.
It's interesting how we take things for granted, and try to hold on to them only when they're gone. There's many examples but if anyone's reading, you ought to have a few real life example that you've personally experienced yourself.
Career-wise, I've never gone through so much trouble and "hardship". Right now, I'm still mired in it all. I'm in the red now due to an irresponsible customer who happens to be dad's acquaintance. I don't blame dad. He just wants his only son to succeed in this new career which he doesn't really understand. Hopefully by March, everything will clear up. And this irresponsible son of a gun will wake up his ideas and also pay me my dues. But right now, it's as similar as a boulder smacked right on top of your head. And the boulder doesn't go away.
Friends. Are they really friends? Or are they just mere acquaintances who get together due to mutual interests? 8 years down, there's no one really close that I've shared my thoughts and ideals with. Perhaps there were a few, but they couldn't be trusted anymore. Integrity and character, 2 components sorely lacking in me right now, are what I need the most now.
Just an advance note. My birthday wish: That if I should meet someone this year, who happens to just fit the few points on my list, may my feelings be reciprocated. It sounds easy but it sure heck ain't easy.
I Am the Highway by Audioslave
Pearls of swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for the leaving
I feel
(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
Friends and liars don't wait for me
I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel
(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightening
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
First time that I've actually wrote with the proper capitalization and paragraphing. Maybe I'm thinking that someone will actually read this. Perhaps that person will be me. But I've hardly looked back at what I wrote in the past. One time I took an advice from a certain individual to wipe away certain articles that I wrote about one person and the swirling emotions that I experienced throughout it all. That's the last time that I'll take that kind of advice. What I write is mine and if certain people don't like it, that's too bad. And I don't write scandalous stuff for people to have a field day gagging over.
Presently, very single, very undesparate, and not very available. I don't know when I'll recover from the fallout effect of last year's broken relationship. It certainly shattered all the self perceptions of me as a great person and whatever hang-ups I have about being a real good person? That went out of the window straight from the first quarrel. I'm nothing short of a real violent brute who wouldn't hesitate to resort to drastic and dramatic means to provide an end to something, irregardless of the consequences. And that scares me, that somehow I'll really allow the rage to take over all sense of rationality that I might possess at that moment. Not really safe to have someone close to hang around huh? I'm afraid that's so.
Any interest in anyone? Perhaps. But the odds don't look good in my favor, and I'm not betting on myself in any case. A lot of wishful thinking and hoping, but I'm not pulling any moves. Somehow after another of my self-destructive behaviour, the friendship looks threatened and is actually crumbling as we speak. The rare occasion that we somehow went to a movie together was awkward for both and I'm sure it was rather uncomfortable. It'll be great if my birthday is remembered, but being unoptimistic right now, I'm not too sure about that. Am I asking for too much? Just remember my birthday? Perhaps remembering could always prove to be a painful affair for some.
I've stopped going to church. From a place, where it was my compass, it has slowly degenerated into a position of time filler on Sunday. 7 years down the road, and it was routine after routine, scoldings in between. 7 yrs doing the same thing week in week out, I've no idea how others can do it, but I sure can't. Things lose their meaning and I've struggle to understand the people around me and their ideology much as people struggle to make sense of me. On the brightest note in this post, I do hope to find meaning in it all again. The place itself holds many wonderful memories for me that I cannot find elsewhere. Leaving in an abrupt manner does not make me happier or anything. I simple wish to make sense of it all and that's something that's very important.
It's interesting how we take things for granted, and try to hold on to them only when they're gone. There's many examples but if anyone's reading, you ought to have a few real life example that you've personally experienced yourself.
Career-wise, I've never gone through so much trouble and "hardship". Right now, I'm still mired in it all. I'm in the red now due to an irresponsible customer who happens to be dad's acquaintance. I don't blame dad. He just wants his only son to succeed in this new career which he doesn't really understand. Hopefully by March, everything will clear up. And this irresponsible son of a gun will wake up his ideas and also pay me my dues. But right now, it's as similar as a boulder smacked right on top of your head. And the boulder doesn't go away.
Friends. Are they really friends? Or are they just mere acquaintances who get together due to mutual interests? 8 years down, there's no one really close that I've shared my thoughts and ideals with. Perhaps there were a few, but they couldn't be trusted anymore. Integrity and character, 2 components sorely lacking in me right now, are what I need the most now.
Just an advance note. My birthday wish: That if I should meet someone this year, who happens to just fit the few points on my list, may my feelings be reciprocated. It sounds easy but it sure heck ain't easy.
I Am the Highway by Audioslave
Pearls of swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for the leaving
I feel
(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
Friends and liars don't wait for me
I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel
(chorus)
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightening
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
Comments:
Post a Comment
