Sunday, May 20, 2007
how now brown cow?
am i ready? will i ever be ready?
what about all my flaws, weaknesses that nobody really knows except me?
are they ready? will that someone be ready?
thoughts that run through my head the whole day today, as the axis never ceases to stop spinning inside of me.
my property case. am i man enough to shoulder it when i just want to give it up because it's just tiring me emotionally that i can't even work for months? for goodness sake, i'm a property agent, not your social worker.
Jason, my ex cgl, said I have a weak character. Through the last 3 years, that has been pretty true. Running away from problems that are too big for me to handle. Let the weak say I am strong. Do I have the strength to bring down this mountain of words?
Am I ready to love someone again? Will I hurt her, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually just like the last time? I've never held back when I was in it. I was a selfish jerk even though I just said the previous line. Do I dare to tread again? A soul is at stake.
Is it really progressing? I really don't know. She's just so nice to everyone. You wouldn't know if she's nicer to you. Jean says we are both so natural about it. That's good. First time I am not awkward in front of someone that I have a good feeling about. Plus point: She can take my humour. Finally.. someone who does. It's been so long since a head rested on my shoulders. Will I help her or will I destroy her? I'm scared, afraid yet I've act to
Will I give up all for her? Am I or will I be so noble? DOTA's like the regular pastime in my dimension. I already stopped drinking. Is that a sign to her? I said that I'll stop if I met Ms Rite again.
YY has plans for me. I know he does have a walk with God. God, is this for real? You know.. it's me.. the numero uno sinner, dead man walking, the one with his secret lusts, his shady pasts, the skeletons in the closet, the 2 usher teams that he left for dead, the numerous people that he had and has continued to disappoint... that's me.. Lord.. are you really sure you've got the right address on this one?
Maybe last time, I'll open that door when You knocked. Now..I'm just scared to open it.
I can bear the pain I give to myself, but I don't think I can take it if I hurt someone or the people dear to me again.
A de facto indian chief for the guys.. is this for real? Do I really have it in me? Streamlining the cell group, where does that leave the 4 of us? I've just been back for 4 mths, the wounds are still fresh, the scars are raw, the eyes teary.
God, I must be plan ZA if Z is the last alphabet.
All the sentences have been about me, I.
Lord, let the I grow smaller and the You grow bigger. I can't do it by myself.
I know how it's like. I know the pain, the smell of it all. I can't.
But You can.
I believe, help my unbelief.
what about all my flaws, weaknesses that nobody really knows except me?
are they ready? will that someone be ready?
thoughts that run through my head the whole day today, as the axis never ceases to stop spinning inside of me.
my property case. am i man enough to shoulder it when i just want to give it up because it's just tiring me emotionally that i can't even work for months? for goodness sake, i'm a property agent, not your social worker.
Jason, my ex cgl, said I have a weak character. Through the last 3 years, that has been pretty true. Running away from problems that are too big for me to handle. Let the weak say I am strong. Do I have the strength to bring down this mountain of words?
Am I ready to love someone again? Will I hurt her, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually just like the last time? I've never held back when I was in it. I was a selfish jerk even though I just said the previous line. Do I dare to tread again? A soul is at stake.
Is it really progressing? I really don't know. She's just so nice to everyone. You wouldn't know if she's nicer to you. Jean says we are both so natural about it. That's good. First time I am not awkward in front of someone that I have a good feeling about. Plus point: She can take my humour. Finally.. someone who does. It's been so long since a head rested on my shoulders. Will I help her or will I destroy her? I'm scared, afraid yet I've act to
Will I give up all for her? Am I or will I be so noble? DOTA's like the regular pastime in my dimension. I already stopped drinking. Is that a sign to her? I said that I'll stop if I met Ms Rite again.
YY has plans for me. I know he does have a walk with God. God, is this for real? You know.. it's me.. the numero uno sinner, dead man walking, the one with his secret lusts, his shady pasts, the skeletons in the closet, the 2 usher teams that he left for dead, the numerous people that he had and has continued to disappoint... that's me.. Lord.. are you really sure you've got the right address on this one?
Maybe last time, I'll open that door when You knocked. Now..I'm just scared to open it.
I can bear the pain I give to myself, but I don't think I can take it if I hurt someone or the people dear to me again.
A de facto indian chief for the guys.. is this for real? Do I really have it in me? Streamlining the cell group, where does that leave the 4 of us? I've just been back for 4 mths, the wounds are still fresh, the scars are raw, the eyes teary.
God, I must be plan ZA if Z is the last alphabet.
All the sentences have been about me, I.
Lord, let the I grow smaller and the You grow bigger. I can't do it by myself.
I know how it's like. I know the pain, the smell of it all. I can't.
But You can.
I believe, help my unbelief.
