rock steady

In the valley of the shadows
there my spirit lies within
shattered dreams, broken hearts
the pale moonlight casts its glaze over me

torn between duty and desire
how i cry out in anguish
is the road that was meant for me
when i chose to pick up my cross

who will step into my shoes?
who will dare to even step into them?

Now i don't have to do stuff in usher anymore. gd and bad. but it's mostly gd i guess in a nutshell to put it. i haven't really put in my fair share of work into it. and ppl judge not by how u start, but by how u end. and i ended bad. right now i just feel terrible. i don't feel gd. feel like throwing my hands in the air, shrugged my shoulders and throw everything away. start to ask myself y am i doing all this for, wat am i doing all this for. is it worth it all in the end? is it even worth it now? everything's so much in a turmoil now. i just felt so cramped in my circumstances that i want to break free from it all. where's the escape route that was promised? i can't seem to find it... y can't i be like the rest? i'm just staring at the circumstances hard... it ain't moving. i feel so much abt the phone bill. it's something that has been on my mind the whole of last yr. is wat i'm doing now worth it? i hate the way i feel now. been torn in 2 places. torn between a new passion and duty. torn between the "have-to-dos" and the "want-to-dos". my Guide, is this the path that You want me to take? it's so rough... and i'm already falling down at the start of the yr. Usher Ministry needs my time. Cell Grp needs my time. Usher needs my effort. So does Cg. Both want the best out of me. But there can be only one. Esp on Sundays. can they see that? I've already made my choice. I've mixed it with the offering, the PRECIOUS, at the Jn Avanzini meeting. I've told God i wanted to be a cell grp leader. i've never even thought abt it the past 3 yrs in church. but now.. it's so different. I still rem the last time i've really mixed my heart's desire with my offering. ya, i went to OCS. of course, i strayed away and i messed up and banged myself up pretty badly. so i've seen the bad... how i want to be available every sunday over at cell grp, yet duty beckons. i heard that i've been indecisive regarding ministry. does it have something to do with this "unavailability"? my goodness, at times i asked myself, how to put myself 100% into ushering for the service...? when at the back of my mind... i'm supposed to account for the ppl who are sitting at the other end of the hall... things like who didn't come? how come u dunno? how am i to do all this..? when i'm sitting at the usher table from 10+ and ending ard 7+ at times, gotta meet up newcomers, irregulars, and stuff... i'm supposed to be "available" to do all this. how? how am i supposed to usher and do this at the same time.. where the people may not turned up, where the ppl are rushing into the hall? i can't be in 2 places at one time. 1 side has to suffer and whenever 1 side suffers, guess who's paying the price for it? me. usher or cg go wrong. i have to bear it. how much can i bear? i can bear it not much longer.... and my emotions are trying to run rounds ard me again. everyone's thinking of getting attached and stuff. at times can't help not feeling that way. but it's just not the time. i don't know when is the time too.. but i'm not ready...

i may not be the best, but i will give my very best
i may not be the best-looking, but let God's glory shine through me
i may not speak well, but God's spirit will stir me up to speak
i may be weak, but in Him I am strong.
i do not have charisma, but I will have His annointing
i can't make people laugh, but let His presence be with me to touch people
i am not perfect, but His Spirit will guide me through
My heart will be big, it MUST be big.
My spirit shall be the size of my heart.
They will fit the plans of God, not the other way round.
i will not fear, but have faith in Him.
i will not give up, i will carry on the good fight
My God has promised that I can do all things through Him
I will not hold back, I shall strike with all my might and strength
i am a warrior, not a shirker.
i will be swift and decisive, not meander in mediocrity
His timing is always right, I will not doubt.
I will walk the walk and talk the talk.
I will lead the way.
to lead, to excel, to overcome.
all the way!