rock steady

It's now 3 am in the morning. As the title suggest, my eyes are half awake as the brain powers itself down and ready itself to get to sleep for the new day that beckons.
Unwittingly, I've picked up a few readers from my current cell group. Therefore, better paragraphing, less spelling and grammatical errors have entered my consideration for writing an entry.

Does that mean I'll soon lose a piece of privacy on the big blue sky we call the Internet? Perhaps not I guess, until some curious soul decides to google my blog. I guess now with an increased audience, there's a need to write better, which is self-inflicted internal pressure.

The birthday celebration went off without much of a hitch. Glad that the gift was appreciated and everyone, or rather most of us, had a laugh or two at the video recordings. Lijie, if you are reading, you are very much appreciated for all the work you did for this recording. Even though it was a pain in the arse to travel to woodlands for 2 days in a row, it was pretty much worth it and I kinda miss you not around the place. It's just getting a little quiet over here again.

YY's birthday wish was for me to get attached this year. How nice, just wonder if he meant that in jest or did he really mean that in a serious manner. Who knows, the future is ours to hold but not ours to shape, at least not this particular piece of property that has the word romance printed in bold on it. Gave the owner of the house extra work to do today, to my worst fears, the people did drop wax onto her floor. I'm sure I saw her face change a little. Must have gave her grief at the extra time spent mopping that floor. It has to be me, the smart alecky pants of the cell group who had to come up with the idea of surrounding him with the tealights. Come on guys, it was quite pathetic to see the sisters on their fours scrapping the wax while we hang around the place.

Yes, I'm a big bad roaring caveman from the dark ages, a male chauvinist in disguise, but there's just some stuff that ring bells in this thick skull of mine. And it's to make the ladies to do the work. I know that at home, my mother will want to do everything for me, and seriously it's a bit out of control. But as much as I can, I want the women in my life to relax a little more. These are small things, I understand, but just think if you were in the path of a gigantic snowball, just for a moment, think how did it become so awlfully huge?

Slowly but surely, the cord around the bag that holds the cat is slowing coming loose. More people are just starting to see something that they've never seen before. I just hope that as they keep their eyes open, they'll keep their mouth shut. I don't think we are people who respond too well to teasing, at least I'm thinking for the other side. Years of ushering have given me a hide thick enough to swipe away these remarks with considerably ease. Keeping everyone's trap shut will probably do me a good world of good, and you never know, YY's birthday wish might just come early for me. No one knows really.

The caveman ain't dragging any woman back to his cave to cook and slave cos'
I'll be one of the good guys cos' there's just too many of the bad ones around.

Listening to Jack Johnson's latest release entitled Sleeping Through The Static. Nice easy-going stuff that's sure to appease radio-weaned Singaporeans.
Anyway, thought up of some lyrics. Perhaps, my friend who's in Oz now, if you're reading, try to put music in it. I've never been good when it comes to composing music. Heh heh.

Oh you silly love puppy
why are you so happy
to madly deeply love when
she don't care if you are happy

Oh my silly love puppy
drop your wagging little tail
she's turned her back on you
sitting in prison with no bail

so much for all the roses
and the hand made gifts
in return just upturned noses
and a word to keep you chasing

your words don't really matter
cos you'll never be the one
so go and try to be better
maybe the one when there's none

come on silly love puppy
why are you still chasing
when you don't feel happy
time to go do some running

At times I may be a silly love puppy but
I'll still be one of the good guys cos there's too many of the bad ones around.

Surfed through Cowboy Caleb's blog and saw this little gem of a ditty that he included in one of his latest post regarding his career.

"Once there was a soldier who fought and killed enemies for his king, but never received any recognition. Finally he grew bitter and refused to fight anymore. This came to the attention of the king, who then chose to reward him."

I'll still be one of the good guys cos' there's too many of the bad ones around.

Writing online can be a double-edged sword. While hiding behind the privacy, and to some a sense of security, of the 22-inch LCD screen, it only requires a few ounces of energy on Google to unravel the blog that one keeps hidden from close friends, colleagues and family members.

Over the course of the last two months, I've the opportunity to interact with several people both physically and virtually, through regular meetings on weekends and over instant real-time messaging services.

As I spent time talking to them over certain issues which included, one of yours truly favourite's, relationship. I start to have my own doubts, not about my ability to have and maintain a relationship which is highly questionable, but rather the coming together of two parties.

Inferring from a person's comments regarding the current relationship, the previous relationships, the eventual state of the relationship between both parties after a decision was made to call it quits, I felt concerned for the other half. Though I'm not close to the other half nor am I to this person, after the horrid things I've personally committed while in an "unsactioned" relationship, I'm more inclined to think towards the benefit of the opposite gender.

People that I've sought after for advice regarding relationships have stressed on the importance of friendship in a romantic relationship. I believe that after the romance, hopefully not for eternity, has fizzled out, and the parties settled into a predictable routine, the friendship acts as the bedrock of the relationship, and the marriage vows, the anchoring aspect of their committment to each other and no one else.

It is thus troubling to my soul to hear one speak about a relationship in certain terms which may be normal to others. Perhaps, as much as I develop into a more pragmatic person in the romantic department of my life, I still maintain certain idealistic ideals and cling on to them desparately, while believing that others can settle for second best, I should not, however possible, pick off the scraps of the table when it comes to this.

My heart goes out to the person in question. While I do not wish to be the instrument that drives a wedge in between them, I can only hope that the relationship will have the legs to carry it to marriage. And with the union, a shift in the relationship between both parties.

It is unfair to judge the health of the relationship as I'm not involved in it at a first-person level. Nor have I been around the block long enough to know what had happened, has happened and possibly will happen in the future in this relationship. I can only wish that they truly find happiness in the decision they made that led to this relationship being formed.

I guess it'll be hard to know the person well when I'm pursuing. But I pray that if things happen, I'll be able to know whoever it is well enough over the course of time. This person shall become my soul-mate and my best friend that I'll ever have on this green earth, set up by God.
Even if things go pear-shaped, that we'll still be friends and communicate with each other.
Everyone knows how painful it is to lose someone who you hold close to your heart.

To whoever that's reading this, is the person the right one for you? In all honesty, I don't have the answer and I don't think anyone will have the answer for you. The answer, I guess, is one that only you can answer and it lies in your eventual choice and decision.

I can't remember who said to me, but find someone who loves you more than you love him.
I've only been around the block once, but when a girl falls in love with you, she doesn't give you half or a quarter of her heart, but she offers you her whole heart and devotion.

I know I screwed up in love, hurt a loved one in more ways than one, and by my own admission, usually unsuccessful in my pursuit of the fine young lady, but
I'll want to be a good guy cos there's just too many of the bad ones around.

Had wanted to write yesterday, however Blogspot had its fair share of challenges. By the time it got its issues settled, it was too late really to write anything when all the eyes wanted to do were to pull down the shutters and head straight to bed.

Just touched base after a long day's out. The last two days have been marked by early disapperances from home, much to the consternation of my mother who's quietly looking to celebrate with her only son his twenty-six birthday. They have also been characterised by dinner at places which I believe, I will only go once in a blue moon. Perhaps the first one that I'll write about, I'll head over more due to the ambience and the quaint airs of the place itself that enticed me from the start.

Made reservations for 6 at Karma Kettle and Rhapsody. The restaurant is situated at Cluny Court, which is located next to Serene Centre. If you're an old boy from my school, Hwa Chong, Nanyang Girls, or any of the schools located in the area, you'll know where Serene Centre is, an anachronistic throwback to the 1980s, where things were still more peaceful and small things could do a great deal for a lot of people.

It serves both Western and Indian cusine, but the biggest draw of the place must be the place itself. Beautifully decorated with wooden cabinets, big Victorian mirrors, it stood out from the rest of the eateries at Cluny Court. As you stepped in through the glass door, one is instantly transported into another world, a world that reeks an Old World English charm even though the place has only been opened for the last four months. Even as I peer in through the window the first time I went past it, it was a reminder of the times when I pored through Enid Blyton's books of rabbits having afternoon tea, and other creatures behaving in a social manner reminiscent of human culture. Such was the pull of this place that I've to step in and experience the place.

The place was surprisingly empty as we stepped in half an hour late from our reservation. As the first one there, the owner and I indulged in some conversation about the place itself and also about the food. While some of us may find her to be imposing, I was rather gladdened by the company she provided. The food, though deceptively little, was filling and appropriately portioned out for everyone.

So, for 2008, my first time spending the eve of my birthday with Vania and her circle of frens, in no order of merit, Janice and Janus; Adam and Derek. JT was down and hugging the toilet bowl, too sick to make it down.

They came with a huge Rum and Cherry cake from Awlfully Chocolate which was handily located just next door. That piece of cake really took the cake. Once down the windpipe, I could hardly move. I knew what they were getting for Adam. As for myself, I didn't really expect much or want to expect much after Sunday.

A white shirt with black prints from Desigual. Tried it after I reach home. For my current physique, it was a perfect fit (for now). I guess, apart from the shirt, the card and the fake gift which threw me off for a few mins, the icing on the cake was the genuine effort that I could feel that these people, who aren't really close to me, made in purchasing the gift, but even more than that, the sincerity in their voices which made the already cosy restaurant just that cosier.

Tonight's dinner was at Noble House, operated by the Tung Lok group of restaurants, which is located on the 6th floor of UIC Building. Utterly stumped as I look at the menu, we've all been told that even though this is a change of location, we'll be looking at a price of around thirty odd, after the service charge and government taxes. What we stumped out after we made out of that place was a cool fifty bucks. Even though there's a huge gaping hole in my wallet now, the dinner more than made up for it, with every dish throughly prepared though the service leaves a little to be desired at times.

The guys gave me a wallet. Smells like real leather, or at least smell-wise I could positively identify it with leather. Now I have two wallets, one which I'm unable to keep the right number of cards, and the other which I have no place to store my keys and shillings. Does that mean I will have to carry both wallets around? Just wondering will a wallet tell a story this Friday.

So, it's been a bittersweet twenty-sixth birthday. I learnt, once again in this month, the people who truly want to make it happen and those who think they might want to, but eventually refuse to act upon their thoughts.

Thanks people, if you ever read this. I don't really thank people that much. All of you, those that did and those that didn't, you all made my day, be it bad or good.

A special shoutout to J.P. Toh, @ ah mui, the straight-shooting fowl friend of mine that I've picked up in the last whole year. If you are reading this, just know that this ragtag of bunch of people that I've known for the last 9 years, they saw me when I was angry and threw my temper fits, dealt with me when my face resembled a storm, spoke the truth when needed and tried their best to be there. And guess what, it's been a year and you're just like them in the beginning, and in my friendship with you, I'm experiencing the whole gamult of emotions again. Just that you're a lady and happily engaged to a great guy whom I know. I hope this friendship can last as it did with this ragtag bunch of people I know. Though not all of them are counted as close friends, they are good friends and at the very least friends. I guess for us, it's something unique that this friendship has remained pure, resembling that of a often squabling pair of brother and sister. And I really hope it remains that way, though it's painful at times. Thank you very much for all the advice and encouragement you provided. It made a difference.

Special mention to RB from my cell grp. You who read this should know who you are. Thanks for keeping stuff quiet even when your C asks about it. You've corrupted me so much that I've to substitute your names for letters now. Haha.

To all the ladies who's been trying to put in a good word for me in front of someone, thanks a million. All of you can be initiated as my spys/agents whichever one you preferred. Jibe aside, thanks for really seeing something redemptive and worthy in me through the terrible explosive temper that I possess. Love moves in mysterious ways, no one can control it. However sweet you lot might think I might be with the things I do, sadly it isn't how she feel. Thank you for your "support", though I at times doubt how much that will help with the proceedings.

Not forgetting the guys. Just that they don't have this address and will never read this. Heh. Thanks a lot. I guess after 9 years, you all finally know how I like my birthday done. High on effort, hopefully low on the wallet. Thanks for being so tolerating all this years. You guys are great you know. But Independent is much better than Barker Rd anyday.

I've enough to write about all the bad stuff that I've to put up with. Though mildly ruffled by a congratulatory birthday SMS that came across as generic and going through the motion, I'll not write about it.

And finally, before I shut up for the day:
I'll be one of the good guys cos there's too many of the bad ones around.

What a day to forget. I could interview for a job as a naysayer.
So what I thought the hapless bunch (i'm sorry for not being too soothing with the words right now) will do and not do did really happen.

The person I looked up to forgot my birthday. In Feb, there's a lot of birthdays, so it really takes effort to really remember a person's birthday. Fair enough, I can live with that. I just can't, for all the green earth in the planet, wonder why am I still wanting to appreciate this person even though I feel he doesn't really appreciate me.

For a lot of folks out there, birthdays come and go. That's the way their families are run regarding birthdays. My folks, though not so highly educated as some of my peers' parents and not as wealthy, make it a point to remember my birthday and celebrate the day their son was born into planet Earth. That really shaped my perspective that birthdays are special and unique occassions that should be joyous and worthy of celebration.

I'm just disappointed I guess, at the lack of effort present. A suggestion to get a cake, until the cake is bought and arrives at the table, is and will remain a suggestion. I could suggest a hundred and one things, dream it all up in my head and not lift a single finger. A gift doesn't have to be branded, nor expensive. I look beyond all that, at the amount of effort put in to source for a gift, to get a card, to make a card. To me, if you've put in your 100% into it, it doesn't matter how bad it may look, I know your heart is with the gift. That's the way I do presents. I've always gave it my best to never shirk away from the line. On the occassions I do, seeing that person's expressions and the knowledge that I've not given my best, they pull me back to that line, on which I told myself that I will stand even when no one wants to stand beside me.

From today's display which I have only unprintable words to describe, complacenecy has indeed crept in and taken root. So wat if I've a lamp that says Best CG Member 2007. It's 2008 now, my friend. I've absolutely no solid relationships with anyone that anyone would even bothered to really light up this birthday cos I'm their friend. I will have said more than the one word reply but it will be like reciting a fine poem to a bunch of punk rockers, such is the disparity of the situation.

To the ones on the outer fringes of the cell group, I've become their friend. To the ones that are in the inner workings, I'm merely a fellow worker who's dispensable. Inside looking out, outside glancing away. At my current state, I'm considering not going for the dinner tomorrow, for I believe I will weep, not out of joy, but out of the sheer irony and the pain beneath it all. And if I should weep, what kind of a picture do I paint to JT? I'll be painting a picture that, after visiting us for so long, one that he will willingly embrace as true. And that'll drive him away from his salvation. I've told Cammy that I may not be going, and it has been upsetting to them that their friend will want to spend his birthday alone. What did I do to deserve their friendship? I've sown less into their lives and I've reaped more than I thought.

Perhaps it's just hard for people to treat a birthday boy or gal nicer on his or her birthday.
Now I do know how much I mean to the people around me.
I don't give a dime how much you know about me, till I know how much you care about me.
But I'll still be one of the good guys, cos there're too many of the bad ones around.