rock steady

argh... i'm losing it. everything and anything. gosh.. wat's going on? i don't know but that doesn't mean i don't care. i read something from band of brothers by stephen e. ambrose. it talked abt being shot and going into shock. ok.. obviously being shot anywhere is bad. and it will lead to shock. but from there we could take 2 directions. one being just stay there in shock and just writher in pain and call for help for all u r worth. the second one was to be in shock but still gather enuff of yurself to crawl/pull/any actions yurself out of the danger area and to somewhere safe. i guess i need to pick upself up again. i can fall, i can trip, but i pray i have the strength to dust myself off and walk upright again. i was kinda feeling pretty droopy today but then i went out with some cg members. i don't know lah but the events that happened during the few hours that i spent with them convinced me that i got to pick myself up. just don't want to be fussed over like some big kid. i may look like one, behave like one, but i'm not. i'm really losing my temper. i tore into a few ppl this past week. man.. ain't my fuse starting to blow again. beta apologise. but today really feel like giving someone a few tight slaps. can u imagine? me giving it to someone. i can't take it when ppl give them attention and they just push it away and put on a front that demands it. it's like wat do u really want? i wish i had a vending machine so i can press the right button and give them wat they really really want. grow up. behave like a man/woman. it's cute at times when a girl throws a temper tanturm.. but a guy. it's kinda obnoxious to everyone except himself. i'm guilty of that at times. sometimes i wonder did i pray for patience cos in the past 3 wks.. i've met 3 person who's really testing my patience.. pushing the envelope.. i hope i don't explode. if i do.. they better run.

it's 3 am in the morning.. and i can't sleep. just polish off the great 10 episodes of band of brothers series. i tink i learn a little bit or rather caught something from the series. when the platoon went to war, the platoon leader can't afford to be blur, to freeze or don't have the slightest of ideas on wat to do. and that's so true for leaders in any field. not just on the field in combat. right now i'm just catching summerslam. i still can't sleep. i haven't talk to her for the past 2 days. yesterday i spent the whole morning.. like from midnight to 6 am catching band of bros and finishing off the bk. today.. i just mentioned it. as the days draw closer for me to get back to camp, i can't help but wish that they'll extend my mc so that i dont have to go back. i've got a new wing commander. and let's just say that he's isn't no.1 on my welcome list. i wish that i'll get posted out so that i don't have to see him. i don't have to see OCS anymore. i can't stand OCS. it's a place where dreams were shattered, ambitions crushed, hearts broken. the exact opposite of wat it was supposed to be. OCS HQ was shaped in the shape of a cradle. for this place was supposed to be the place where it will birth forth officers, leaders of the land. guess that it does have its share of miscarriages. i just don't want to be stuck in there anymore. i guess it's just starting to get to me again... i feel lonely again. all by myself. that feeling i carried with me for 6 mths. that wasn't a very gd feeling that i had. i hated that feeling. that loneliness. wish it doesn't come again. it's not something that kills u straight. but it's something that is like a disease. a poison. that slowly creeps up on u and cuts yur throat. and leaves u to bleed to your death. how i hate tat. the last thing is to wonder y no one calls me. i guess when i was on mc.. no one calls me too. so actually there's no difference. just tat maybe in camp.. i need it? i dunno.

the storm has calmed
and the clouds dispersed
a trail of glitter follows
the star's curtain call

the beating heart rests
the dance has ceased
it's time to call it a day
time for thee to walk again

onwards my feet shall go
to a new and foreign place
He has called and girded me
and with Him i must obey

may flying colours rule the day
as i measure all my tears
for i have given up all that's dear
to find a piece of eternity here

some may call me rigid,
others infiexible or a fool
but how many will really know
that i'm not just a fool.

for heaven i give
my heart my soul
not just all that
but my life as well

may i bleed for the cross
than to bleed from thorns
i'll rather be alone now
than to be lost forever.

for i hear the Master's voice
and after it i must heed.
so farewell to the hurricane
and an ovation to the star

so i will cut off the vines
that i will enter heaven
alas that i shall not enter
because i have been entwined.

so thks for reading. this is peter. over and out.