rock steady

after a talk with bro jason, i realise why i couldn't get across to kynneth. the ans was simple, straightforward. but something that i couldn't figure out until now. i wasn't speaking his love language. as much as i "whack" him, he was looking for approval and encouragement from me, and other ppl as well, just as i will react similarily. and this, being a first-hand experience, i come to realise what i've failed to do, which may open up doors into his heart, and his life. and this has really set me thinking a bit. i've just being told my character pales to paige's. and it kinda hurts. no, it hurts. of course it hurts, how can it not hurt? my ego's bruised. i just can't fint it in me, at this moment, to just drop everything at one shot especially when it comes to emotions, and relationships. call me sentimental, romantic or what. but i still believe in everything there's a time to laugh, there's a time to cry. i'm not emotionally closed up, or scarred beyond recognition, nor am i a robot that's devoid of feelings. i need my own time and space to grieve before i move on. maybe to people, a day's too slow for them. well, i don't know and i don't really care. if a day's considered too slow for me to get over my grief. i don't know what's there to say abt it. i can't find it in me to just drop one thing and pick up another in the snap of a finger, especially when it means a lot to me. i can't. maybe i'm sounding like some defeatist right now. i'll work on it but i'll always have my tender side. the side that's always raw. to be to drop everything at once is too mechanical, too robotic, cold, devoid of feelings. i feel a lot. esp abt certain stuff. i'll work on being decisive, being stronger in my character in my area of relationships and emotions. but i'll always be emotional. it's a part of me. it's my strength as well as my weakness. it's my double-edged sword.

hmmm, i don't know if it's me or it's her or it's the both of us. but since sunday, i've been finding less things to talk about to her. maybe it's just me. me, thinking that i shouldn't share trivial stuff with her and decide to keep my mouth shut. me, thinking that i should only share the big stuff, important stuff with her and basically keep the rest to myself. i don't know, maybe that's how i think. do have lots to talk when i say everything with her. i'm opening myself up to her, and being super unprententious. i feel so comfortable with her, not having to put up a false front to impress her but just being myself, peter. but the thing is that even when i have nothing much to say to her, i just feel so happy and contented being with her. i just enjoy sitting beside her, even if it's silence. it's gd to know that someone loves you and you love her back. and i can just sit there and enjoy sitting with her. i can't describe the feeling but it's a gd one that's for sure. with developments in the romantic area of my life, it has become a mission to focus, focus on things in church, in cell grp, as the romance threatens to take away my focus. i do need to focus and maintain this relationship. there are other ppl beside me in this world. and this world is a big place. missions, missions. carter asked if i want to go with him next yr or so. i don't really know at this moment. army isn't or may not be over. so it's hanging in the air. but i do want to move with the church and go for missions. it'll really be something that is so different.