rock steady

Nobody actually knows, but I'm an avid fan of blogs. There's certain bloggers whose blogs are very popular within the blogsphere, like mrbrown.com (go AC!), mr miyagi (another AC guy! we can write!) and certain other blogs that belong to closer friends and some whom I happen to come across by chance on their blogs.

Now, there's this Australian chap whose blog I've been following. And this is his latest post at the time of writing: http://mooiness.com/2008/04/15/brutally-short-answers-to-mens-relationship-problems/ I'm pretty taken up with one of the points inside which goes something like this:

It has been quite an afternoon, with a mish-mash of emotions all swelled up under my shirt. Am I glad she spoke of me? Probably, though it's "amoral" or rather to be more accurate ambiguous. Sometimes I'll rather it be black or white. Glor says at least there's a possibility, so there's still that faint glimmer of hope. If anyone ever passes you the link to this place, which I have a niggling feeling of happening, I have not given up. Contrary to what you heard, I do hope you trust your feelings for once this time.

Somehow, I'm just not giving up. It's not because there isn't anybody else left in the whole world, but you just don't know how much you mean to me than you really think you mean to me.

I'm not giving up and
I'll be one of the good guys cos'
there's too many of the bad ones around.

The previous night out with the guys seriously damaged my body clock once again, proving that hanging out with them is hazardous to both my health and my fitness. Had half a mind to go up Mt Faber for a run, but a churning stomach after downing a cup of orange juice put paid to that.

Dozed off a little around 10, and now i'm as bright awake as a lighbulb. Hopefully, by tomorrow I'll be able to arrange my body clock back to the working schedule. It's not a great feeling really, when you walk in the streets and you feel the gap inside your soul. I don't believe it's driven by friends around me who just gotten together (congrats to bill and glo) but it's more of a self-realisation that brings about much introspective thinking.

Apart from my parents, who vailantly try their very best to cheer me up in their own ways, I've never received much fair share of cheering from friends. Despite being given short shrift, I've never felt greatly about it, even though I'm particular about birthdays but that's another story by itself. I guess, as I stepped into the lift, that she was the only person that really bothered to cheer me up when I'm down. It's one of the biggest regrets I've in these twenty six years and if I could turn back time, there's some stuff that I would want to change. The fact that she's the only person that bothers to cheer me up leads me to think if I'm heading in the right direction presently. Will anyone ever bother to cheer me up instead of calling me names to get me up?

Time will tell perhaps.
I'll still be one of the good guys
cos' there's just too many of the bad ones around.

It has been sometime since I last wrote the last entry. After a flurry of thoughts in February that sparked off a few inner thought-provoking paragraphs, the pen has dried up and the thoughts in my mind slowing down to a crawl.



Today marks the second day of work in a new environment, three days to Easter and the second day that I felt the communication dam between someone was finally broken. There isn't anything really noteworthy about work so far. As first few days are concerned, they have been mundane to speak of, idling away the time reading up on relevant information that will prove useful in the foreseeable future and seeking solace in the company of friends via email and real-time messaging systems.



Copy writing is outsourced at the present moment by our company, and if I could brush up on my writing skills, soon it will become a distant memory of the past. Calculating the rates they charge our customers for copy writing, it seems that it's a tidy sum to work one's cranium to churn out attention grabbing and insightful paragraphs.



Easter is coming soon upon the world, about two days to be exact at this time of writing. Certain issues burden me greatly, though I do my best not to be weighed down by their thoughts. It's sad that as we celebrate the sacrifice of one man's life for the eternal future of millions, one has decided to throw his salvation away as though it meant nothing. Perhaps, it does really mean nothing to him, for who is this man, and who does it mean to him anyway that he shall be eternally grateful for that decision which has caused his name to be spoken and mentioned on the lips of millions. When there is no connection, there is no cause for concern. For all the time he was around, I never really knew him. It seems that there are certain things that were hidden, meant to be unseen from the rest of us. I could make so many excuses at this moment, but I guess I should have done better in all this. On this Easter, while the world gets a lot brighter, I know of one whose light has dimmed, but not extinguished.



Does anything happen by coincidence? If only we believe them to be so, and if we hold that to be true, nothing that happen will be by coincidence. For to me, they are two extremes which hold weight. From one message which was sent wrongly, to the person that we discussed about, the solution to communicate became apparent and urgent. It turned out for the better, and everyone's just more open right now. I hope that the situation will maintain its current status quo while progressing towards more openness and trust.



My employment status has now been stabilised while financially, it remains stable while balancing precariously on the ledge of mismanagement. I struggle to find the lighter side to it as I witness one portion of my life brought into balance as the other threatens to plunge into free-fall. Matters of the heart remain as they are, ambiguious and unresolved. It's really beyond me right now to even comment on them.



I am heading back to work but

I'll still be one of the good guys

cos there's just too many of the bad ones around.

This is the first thing that I'm doing something like this. Leaving the dashboard of Blogspot on my computer for the next few hours and basically writing down my thoughts as they flash by and waved.

I've just been thinking about being in a relationship with a significant other. And Gloria's been impressing on me the role of the woman in it. So that's pretty much food for thought over the weekend. Was pretty much surprised when I came home slightly before midnight and the living room lights were still on. Usually, they'll be sound asleep or at the very least trying to get their forty winks.

Apparently something happened at dad's workplace, and it seemed quite serious that they spent the whole night up just talking about it. My family may be classified as a stereotypical Asian family according to some half-assed and probably half-baked sociologist, but it was very heartening to just witness my parents sharing and listening to each other. They might not know as much as me, speak as well as me, share my belief system, but one thing they know and that's they know how to sustain a marriage and keep it going on. I'm, to be perfectly honest, very proud of them.

After the 2nd RT out of 5 in a row, (RT = Remedial Training), I called some of the people that I will be most comfortable with for dinner. Everyone was pretty busy, or tired, or simply just too far away to meet up. With all sorts of emotions running rampant in my head after a week of reservist, there was an overwhelming sense of loneliness accompanying me on the ride back to downtown. Yet, somehow in the midst of this darkness, a light shone through. A light bright enough to illuminate the fact that God's really trying to get my attention. Many times I've been bogged down by my own self-doing with stuff, and it's really hard to get my attention with all these things clustered in front of me. I believe that there has to be something really important to warrant this. Perhaps some people will classify this under "speak well to self", yet if my memories haven't deserted me yet, God wants to really talk to me, alone and in private. And I can't shake off that feeling, while at the same time glad that I'm more aware instead of letting it pass by as in the previous few occassions.

Time is slowly slipping away as the day to working-dom inches nearer and nearer. Had a mildly depressing time in reservist for the last five days. Yet somehow, I found myself taking away more than I gave in these five days, with the whole experience leaving me with a smile on my face, and not just because I could finally walk out of the gates and not have to look back or at my watch anymore.

Even though this in-camp was a low-key one, and as known to most who have passed through national service, consisted mostly of waiting to move from pt. A to pt. B, it was generally a good time for most of my platoon mates to take time off their work and step into another world in which they only need to fulfill their obligations as required by their rank.

Now, most of them are a way good ol' decade older than me, and at the last day, got a good ribbing from them for the age difference and perceived "generation gap" between us. They came across to me, while of different race and religion, as older brothers to me in one big extended family. While I may possess more knowledge in terms of field experience, they are definitely much wiser than me in a lot of ways and I do have much to learn from them as well.

I think I may have unwittingly picked up a friend in Gloria. Being a silly person, who shoots his mouth off at everything and anything all the time, it's really hard to find someone who I can get along immensely well. I've been telling people around me that she's really great company and she is, at least to me at the very least. It's really being sometime since I meet a person whom I could be just myself and not really have to care about how people perceive me.

I am myself all the times, a simple yet complex individual with many sides to his personality. To some, I'm their connect group co-ordinator, others the bluntest person in the group who wouldn't hesitate to point out at a girl who's scantily and indecently dressed, to a few a caring person who happens to look extremely unapproachable and to just a handful a guy who's out to pursue a girl that he thinks he can be happy with and who she can be happier with.

The difference in all, which is slight, is the way I have to watch myself with my words. And I guess, when I do talk to her or hang out with her, I don't really have to watch my words, or rather be guarded and diplomatic. It's just liberating and extremely refreshing for my soul to be freed to express myself. However, that doesn't give me a license to perform my best impersonation of a drunken sailor who sailed into port after 3 months out at sea.

I've talked to a few people and generally they came away with the perception that I'm pretty ready on the inside for a relationship while the person in question isn't. As I ponder about that statement, I wonder with the impending date of starting work, will that statement still hold true? Or I'll be so overwhelmed and consumed by work, that I will not have space for a relationship? I hope, with every sinew, that it wouldn't hold any grain of truth. A career is transient, but relationships, I hope they are treasures that last for eternity.


I'm geared up to hold your heart,
cos I'll be one of the good guys cos there's too many of the bad ones around.

Originally wanted to write something in prose, but for all the green earth here, my mind is too cluttered with so many plans to really write anything right down, in addition to the fact that i just came back from one of my last pre-work bike rides. After a space of one week not getting onto the bike, my speed seems to have reduced considerably, definintely a cause for concern.

Once out of the house, I was assualted by raindrops of various sizes. With the new bike, I'm more cautious as I spent my money on it and do not wish to see it reduce to a rust bucket before its destined time. The assault continued till Zion Road where the clouds decided that they should check their calendar before pouring down on us unannounced.

East Coast is literally desereted on the weekdays, therefore no other bicycles to chase down or vice versa and no one to look at. But it does make for a great relaxing ride, and also a test of mental strength to keep up the intensity without anything in sight.

Rain or shine, this bike is going places,
cos I'll be one of the good guys cos' there's too many of the bad ones around.